The smell of Spring

What a year, what a month... I have to say I love Spring, but don't always look forward to it. When I feel the warmth and the humidity start to fester my mind goes straight to April 7th, 1990. This year has been SO SO SO hard. This year will be the 20th Anniversary for Jamie's death. 20! I've been without my twin, my best friend for 20 years. You'd think I could make it one year without it being so hard. I feel so mad right now. I'm mad that I don't remember her as much as I'd like too, I'm mad that I have kids, and I always pictured us having kids at the same time and having close families, teasing each others husbands, and growing old together. I'm sorry, this post really wasn't supposed to be like this, but I just miss her so much and really need to vent. I've been having so many memories about right after she died, but I can't seem to think up all the memories we had together. I remember crying every night for the first couple years and trying to remember if there was a night that went by that I didn't cry. I think after time you just start to go numb. Jamie comes into my head so often, there are so many things that make me think of her. Like rain, the smell of flowers, a shoe on the side of the road, the smell of really heavy makeup. The makeup and flowers make me think of her so much because that's what I remember from the funeral. When a thought comes up about her I can think about it for a second, but if I don't bring something else into my mind I start thinking about her too much and then I loose it. I think March is so hard because I'm preparing for April. If I get it all out this month next month won't be so bad. I found a picture in my photo album that's Jamie and me in front of a cake that has the number 7 on it. I hate thinking that it was the last birthday we'd have together and at the time I'd had no idea we would never have another birthday with each other again. I do love the picture though. Then I saw a picture of me on a softball team May of 1990, and Jamie wasn't next to me. What was I feeling then? One month after she passed away? My mom was my coach and I was thinking about how hard it must have been for her to try to keep the family together through our rough patch. She really became my best friend after Jamie passed away. I remember going to tap dance and softball practices with Jamie. When we were in the bath tub we used to lay on our sides and push against each others back until the others arms would collapse and then we'd laugh. I remember pushing with my arms and legs so my back was so hard against the tub after she died and just crying. We used to laugh so hard at Bambi when his bum fell on Thumper, we'd rewind it and watch it over and over. Now I tear up when I see it, but I love it. I love the memory. Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast came out shortly after she died, and I know she would have loved them. I remember my dad taking us to an indoor pool and swimming under each others legs and hugging and jumping. I can still remember the smell of chlorine and the warm water. My last memory of her was her asking me if I'd go inside to the bathroom with her in our friends house and I told her no because I wanted to keep playing outside and then she never came back out. Probably my BIGGEST regret. When I went home my Grandma, and some Aunts and cousins were there and I had no idea what was going on and nobody would tell me they all just watched me walk through the house. Finally Lisa stopped me and told me Jamie was dead. She doesn't remember telling me and I don't blame her, it's a hard memory to have. I ran straight to my room and cried. I always wonder what that night was like for me. Did I sleep in my queen bed where Jamie is usually with me? What was I thinking? I know I was mad. What about my sisters and my dad? How did they find out? My mom told me once that she wishes instead of going and being with Jamie at the hospital, that she could do nothing about she wishes she would have been home with us helping us morn. I remember my Aunt Molly asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital and see Jamie and I wanted to because I thought maybe they'd made a mistake and she was really okay. I remember being sad when we weren't able to go to the hospital. I think my mom didn't want us to see Jamie in her condition, and I'm thankful for that because I wouldn't want that image in my mind. A few years later I remember a new girl came to our school and she looked a lot like Jamie with the freckles and all. She became friends with a girl I knew, so I desperately tried to get into there group. I'd ask if I could play with them everyday because I just wanted to be near this girl I didn't even know. She moved shortly after, I never did get to know her. One of my friends told me that after Jamie passed away I was so mean. I don't remember it, but I do know I lost a few really great relationships with friends. I remember Jamie's and my names were twin, twins, or twiner because nobody could ever tell us apart. I remember Jamie asking me if I'd dress like her at school the next day and I told her yes the night before, and then the next day I wore something else. I really regret that. I remember tricking my Uncle Walt. We used to change our clothes and ask him who was who and if he got it wrong he'd give us each a quarter, then we'd go change again. I remember after Jamie passed away I asked my Uncle Walt which one was I and Deanna pulled me aside and said that I can't do that anymore. I didn't even think about it I guess. I have so much fear for my family. Thoughts always go through my head of different ways I could loose someone. My kids are so sheltered I feel bad, but at the same time I couldn't stand to loose one of them. It's taken a lot for me to even let them play out in my yard without me right by there side, it's takes a lot to put my trust in a babysitter or someone else watching my kids for me. I think today is so hard because yesterday when I put Hunter down for his nap he was crying and I was going to give him his binki and when I didn't hear him crying I stopped at the door and was going to let him go back to sleep, but I decided to check on him and he was being smothered by his blankets. He'd rolled himself all up in it and was face down stuck. I hurried and unwrapped him and he gasped for air a few times and then just wailed. I just thought to myself, I could have lost him just then and we both just cried together, and I can't not think about what we've already lost. I love my family so much. My husband, my kids, my parents, my sisters, my nieces and nephew, my in laws. I'm so lucky to have such a great family and especially a wonderful husband that understands what I've been through and can put up with and help me through my rough patches. He hears the same thing over and over year after year, but he's still always willing to listen and be supportive. I think when Jamie passed away my family realized how important it is to be close, because you never know when you'll loose someone you care for. It does make me happy to know that Jamie was with my kids before they came down to me. I love talking about and hearing about Jamie, and remembering her, it's just hard sometimes because it can be so emotional. But I love her and know that I will see her again.
Wow, I could go on and on, I'm glad I have somewhere I can just vent, and put my feelings out there. I'm so grateful for pictures so that I can keep those memories.